Thoughts

Wow I haven't posted on this in a very very long time. I really just like to write here to rant and things when I'm feeling down. So regarding friends... I feel terrible. Whenever I'm in groups of friends I'm starting to feel left out and I seem to get jealous very easily. I hate it. I don't like that I get jealous if one friend is only talking to another and I'm just listening there. Why do I feel this way? I hate it because I start thinking my friend is going to disappear and they don't like me. I'm going to assume it's because I've been alone in college for so long that when I do get in a group of friends it's almost as if I'm craving attention. So when it gets taken away from me I feel down and jealous.

I'm just a mess. I react to things way differently than I did before. For example, a few years ago I wouldn't have cared too much, but now it's different. Why do I have to be like this? I just want friends. I'm tired of being alone. I'm waay too sensitive, but regarding everything that's happened I suppose that's to be expected.

And I'm such a late bloomer in like everything. If I'm scared of something I tend to avoid it until the last very minute. I feel different around people...

Summer is almost here

For me at least anyway. As soon as my finals are done I've got some awesome art projects that I want to do over the summer.

1) Create horse stables: There's an rpg type art group on deviantart that I'd like to join. All I need to do is create some stallions/mares, and a stable name.

Stallions: 1 bay, and 1 black
Mares: paint, maybe a chestnut

2) Create a wild horse herd: I love wild horses and there's possibilities out there for anything. I've got maybe 6 horses-8.

3) Rabbit comic: one day, same for a horse comic

4) Gift art for Fire2Inspire: her kitty Kaimi and her horse Eventide. Giftart for Niknak044: her kitty Clover

Future giftart ideas: one of Boribaby's character, one of Cerona's characters, Sheka's Aquaria

Art list

Just a list for myself of what I need to accomplish.

*Trades: Equine for Melissa

Contest Prizes: 3 at end of February

Contests
1)contest- Design rabbit fursona: deadline March 1st
2) equine shark- deadline March 6th
3) Equine contest: 2 entries Deadline: March 30th
4)Design Horse Breed: 3 entries Deadline: April 11th
*5) Nightmare contest: deadline April 17th

Personal Projects:
1) Detailed horse headshot
2) Dartmoor/Haldair reference page
3) Shalistar reference
4) equine comic
5) rabbit comic

Art

The semester is now over, and as much as I've loved photography it feels so good again to draw. I just wish I could draw faster and upload my artwork on deviantart. Drawing is so much apart of me and who I am. Nothing will ever replace it. I really wish I could do an arttrade on devintart, but most people want references of your original character. I do not have mine created yet. I have to draw it first before I could except an art trade. Sometimes I do wish I could draw faster. My good art work is not on deviantart, but I don't feel like posting my school work because it's special. I don't want it stolen on the internet because it has sentimental value. Time to go on my art craze again.

The World is changing

Much of what once was is gone. Fading away from memory.
My world is constantly changing against my wishes. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I will be at peace and not have to feel like I'm hanging on, fearing a fall. I don't really know where I'm going either. Endlessly trudging on... Time is ticking, slipping through my fingers, never stopping.
I wish I didn't feel so anxious at work, had more confidence.
I wish I knew what major to invest in.
I wish I had a drivers license.
I wish I wasn't worried.
I wish I was at peace.

Time, time. So little time. The adult world appears dull. Where has the magic disappeared to?
The ticking of a clock. Time...

Nervous

Okay so this is just a quick blog to get my feelings out. I'm scared and mad because I requested for time off so I could attend Anime Banzai, but my work denied it. I really hope I can get it off which means I have to talk to my manager today, and hopefully she is there. I'm just scared that if she won't let me have it off then what am I going to do? My next bet would be to ask others if they could take my time, but we don't have schedules up yet, so there's no way of knowing. It just seems stupid. The only time that I'll ever ask for time off is those two days and I'm rejected. Everyone asks for more time off then I do. It's just so stupid, so I guess I'll just have to go in there and figure it out. *sighs*.

Crash and Burn

I need to just write my feelings out and post somewhere anonymously that is not on facebook or myspace. It's ranting time. *dances*

So I don't think I will ever like the summer anymore because that means I have to get a job and I'm scared to get a job. Why am I so scared? There are a couple of reasons for this. One might be that when I was little and even now when my dad told me to go get something for him or do something if I didn't do it right or didn't know where the item was he would yell at me. This caused me to be afraid which might be why I'm afraid now. I will get scared and freeze up when people ask me to go do things that are required in a job. I don't want someone to yell at me and I don't want to get it wrong so normally I ask a ton of questions which then could annoy the person to death. It also doesn't help when my dad is forcing me to apply somewhere or send out a resume then yelling at me if I don't do things right Summers are terrible, at least I can avoid this during the school year, but I don't have a choice in the matter even if I am over 18. Which is why I'm hiding in my room from him. I constantly avoid things I don't want to do until the last minute so much that I'm starting to wonder if I have social anxiety disorder or something. I just hate it when my friends can get jobs so easily when I can't. It's such a big deal for me. I don't want to grow up. I feel unsure of myself, I don't even have a driver's license yet because I'm scared to get that. I feel like a kid in the adult world...